It was a Saturday night in mid December. Some would consider this date night, socializing night, a normal night at home. For a me I sat paralyzed in fear on my bed. Fuck, what am I going to do? I am self sabotaging my future, again. On the outside nothing obvious was wrong. I appeared to be a success. Interviews, opportunities, ideas, support. I’ve accomplished so much yet I feel numb. What the hell am I missing?
This thought had recurred umpteen times since November 9th, the day the wild fires took hold in Malibu. I live 25 miles away yet the impact was felt all the way over here. I began having flashbacks from 1 year ago when the Thomas Fire erupted and took out a whole of Ojai and Ventura. That fire took me into a tailspin of darkness which ultimately caused me to shut the world out and question my humanity and purpose. A year later, I would find myself slipping back into a spiritual coma of sorts.
I realized money nor fame was the answer to this riddle. Where am I falling short? I’d spent the last year in the most intensive study of my life stepping into the role of a Transformational Life and Spiritual Coach. Some would say I’m a glorified therapist, others say I’m a life saver and tapped into a new way of living and being. To me, I see myself on a path to be a warrior battling internal fires so the soul can emerge the truest phoenix rising from the ashes. Then the answer in bright neon lights revealed themselves...L. O. V. E.
What is LOVE? This is the question I have asked myself all my life, 39 years in fact spending the last 18 years contemplating and in deep healing. What I know. Love is the answer. Love heals. Only love is real. Ok yes, but what is Love?
Love is a feeling.
Love is a way of life.
Love is a connection.
Ok, yes but what is Love?
Love is divine.
Love is beautiful.
Love is painful.
Closer, yes but what is Love?
Every step I’ve taken, every heart I’ve touched, every soul I’ve witnessed, it’s come down to the gift. You see you may not believe me if I told you I have a gift to break open the heart of the most closed hearted person in the world. I have the ability to see through the pain, trauma and suffering, the facade. I have the gift to love every person no matter who they are, what their background or gender. When I find myself blocked from an individual I breakthe barrier within myself so I can tap into Love. No matter the circumstance, situation or condition nothing is to keep me from loving someone. Nothing.
As a human being we are here to love. Plain and simple. But we have been challenged and rerouted into the desires of the ego.
I know when I am love, I know when I am not. Everyday, all day I strive to thrive in Love. Some days I shine brighter than bright other days I feel like I’m failing at Love.
Since the fires, what has been seeking to emerge is a greater level of Love. A level I have not yet felt. A level that has not yet been revealed for the kindred souls to receive. Until now.
I became scared of my own true ability to Love. And what it took was a good hard look in the mirror. I am Love. I have always been Love. I will always be Love. And just like that I was home.
The moment I realized the reflection of my Great Beloved, I wept as if I had died because I did. The old version of me no longer existed and now I must step into the newest version of truth.
The greater the Love, the lonelier it has gotten. How much more isolated will I become if I step into this truth I asked?
So now I’ll tell you the secret. I can never be alone because I am Love. I have the ability to let people work through me to come home to Love. This is my purpose, my grand mission. To impact as many hearts while on this earth to come home to Love.
This is no easy task my beautiful reader. You are in your becoming because what is seeking to emerge from you is the miracle of life. So I will leave you with this. To love yourSelf is to know yourSelf. To know yourSelf is to be yourSelf. To be yourSelf is Love.
I love you, I see you, I believe in you.